


As It Should Be

by Ryu_Reikai_Akuma



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Human Sacrifice, M/M, fictional religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 13:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2070846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma/pseuds/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erebor was hit by one disaster after another and no matter what people did to improve the condition, they still suffered. In this trying time, Kili was selected as the next human sacrifice to appease the gods. He was determined to make them show the city some mercy, but he didn’t expect a temptation in the form of a handsome guard to come his way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As It Should Be

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Sacrifice
> 
> This should be for last week but skype refused to tell me what my prompt was. Anyway, I fully blame Lady Luna for this because she said, and I quote, "Ooooooooooooooooooooo Wow. I should not, but I like!" when I told her about my crazy stupid idea. As I've demonstrated in Glass Dome and this fic, please, for the love of everything, keep me away from AUs!
> 
> Also, Ao3 and I don't get along well. If you have tumblr you can [follow me](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com) to get updates. I don't post much because I don't want to spam but I swear I'm there almost 24/7, at your service.

The thick door opened, revealing a space larger than his house. However, while it’s a big space, it’s almost completely sparse. The smooth stone walls had no window, only tiny holes near the low ceiling to let air in. There was a table where a feast had been prepared. In an adjacent room, Kili could see was a small bed. There was no hearth there but a pile of fur was placed on the foot of the bed to keep him warm.

Despite the modesty of the place, for a moment Kili felt guilty for having this all for himself. He thought of his family whom he had left behind. He wondered what was happening to them now, whether they had enough food to eat, whether his father and brother managed to find some work, whether his mother was doing well-things had been difficult in Erebor lately with failing crops and mine accidents and not having him around to help must have made things harder. However, Kili knew they had high hopes in him when they agreed to send him here. He couldn’t disappoint them.

The door closed behind him, isolating him from the world. No lock was turned, no bar was placed to keep him inside. There were guards outside although he wasn’t entirely sure what their purpose was. He, as others who had been in this room before him, had no intention of escaping. This was an honor, a privilege only few would ever experience. Kili would stay for as long as required: one month away from any human contact. One day the door would reopen, letting him step back to the world outside, and that day would be the last day he lived.

* * *

Kili started his first day by washing himself thoroughly in an bathroom containing a deep large pool, something he must now do every morning and evening. He poured a small bottle of fragrant oil to the water and deeply inhaled the scent it produced. He was tempted to experiment with the other bottles, having only ever washed himself hastily in a river before, but he restrained himself. He wasn’t here to play.

He washed his hair and scrubbed his skin. When he was satisfied he dried himself and put on a coarse white robe he found in a chest near the bed. Afterward he ate the food on the table. They tasted heavenly but reminded him of his family, simple meal his mother made from whatever she could find in the kitchen or could afford to buy in the market. It reminded him of eating with his family, sharing jokes and stories, forgetting life troubles for a moment. He wished he could share this meal with them but he knew it’s impossible. However, if he did his duty well, he might be able to help make things easier for them.

Kili looked at a tall pile of old scriptures on a table in the sleeping area. Despite coming from a low class family, he had been taught to read by a kind scholar when he was a child. It was something he was proud of and he informed the priests who appraised him a few weeks prior of it. While literacy wasn’t required (some were taught to memorize the content of the scriptures), it had given him an advantage. He thanked Hanar for the fortune of meeting that old scholar for it had helped bring him here.

His stomach comfortably full, Kili left the dining table. Kili closed the door separating his sleeping area from the eating room. He then sat in front of the table and opened the first scripture. Kili took a deep breath, tied his hair back with a piece of cloth, and quietly read praises to gods, starting with Durin, the king of all the gods, thanks for blessed past, hopes for similar generosity in the future, requests for mercy and protection, and offer of his virgin blood in return.

* * *

The candle had nearly gone out. Kili felt tired, his body ached from staying in one position for so long, his eyes stinging in exhaustion. He yawned and patted his protesting stomach. In the past few days, he had only eaten some fruits for (what he assumed to be) breakfast and nothing more of the large amount of delicious meal brought for him when he was in his room. He spent most of his time reading the old scriptures, hoping his plight was carried by Frar to be heard by the gods. Something had gone wrong in the previous ceremony five years ago. Kili wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but life had been difficult for the people since then. Mines collapsed, natural disasters came one after another, crops failed, winters seemed unending and summers brought unbearable heat. He had witnessed and experienced the harsh effect of failure, especially on poor families such as his. He couldn’t let it continue. The ceremony mustn’t fail again.

So, Kili continued until it was late, until his body was aching and his mind numb and tired. At some point, he fell asleep at the table as he was unwilling to move to bed. He dreamt of his family living in poverty in the far edge of Erebor where wells nearly dried and people died on the street. He dreamt of angry acts of the nature to top the devastation. He dreamt of himself in the center of it all, unable to stop it despite the prayers he shouted to the burning sky, despite blood running down his eyes.

Kili woke up with a gasp, his heart pounding in his chest. The candle had gone out, leaving him in the dark. It seemed that he had fallen asleep on the desk. In confusion, he knocked down the scriptures and several objects to the floor, creating loud smashing noise. He stood up from his seat hastily and nearly fell as he tripped on something he had dropped. Suddenly, a hand shot out of the dark and grabbed his arm to steady him.

“Let me go!” Kili demanded, pulling his arm back. The person was unyielding for a moment, refusing to let him go. Kili was going to shout for the guards when a candle suddenly light up. He stared at it in shock as the stranger released him then brought the candle close to show himself.

It was an older man with long dark hair. His hair and beard were smooth and shone with fragrant oil. His steely blue eyes glinted as the candlelight danced. He was wearing clothes made of fine fabric, but what’s most peculiar was the armor covering his upper body and the gauntlet he wore, the details dissimilar from what guards and warriors of Erebor wore although the style was familiar. Much to Kili’s relief, he didn’t seem to bring any weapon, however considering the man’s size it wouldn’t take any weapon for him to subdue Kili.

“Who are you? You shouldn’t be here! No one is supposed to come here!” Kili exclaimed, glancing at the still shut door behind the man. His blood suddenly ran cold. He wasn’t supposed to interact with anyone for a month and now that this man was here he couldn’t continue the ritual. With the current situation, they couldn’t risk further angering the gods by delaying the sacrifice. Although it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t bear the thought of the shame his family would feel, how disappointed people would be, how everyone must suffer longer due to this violation.

The man watched his outburst in silence, studying his face as if not comprehending Kili’s anger. Only when Kili tried to walk away did he grabbed his arm to stop him. “It’s all right. I’m not an enemy.”

“How could it be all right?” Kili demanded, glaring at the stranger. The claim that the man posed no danger was insignificant in the face of greater trouble he had caused. “I can’t continue the ritual now and people will suffer even longer! This is not all right at all!”

“You can continue the ritual,” The man said, his deep voice calm as the night, “I’m allowed to be here.”

Kili ceased his struggling but he still looked at the stranger skeptically. “Who are you?”

The stranger slowly released Kili. “I’m here to help and protect you.”

“They didn’t mention any guard or servant for me,” Kili argued. If the ritual was indeed ruined, he must stop. He couldn’t risk angering the gods with impurity.

“This isn’t something to be known by others,” The stranger said. “But I assure you that my presence here doesn’t break the ritual.”

Kili frowned at the stranger. It wasn’t entirely convincing, but the man’s quiet confidence slowly won Kili’s trust despite himself. “Really?” He asked, still in doubt.

The stranger nodded. “We need to make sure that you’re doing well.”

“Where were you before this, then?”

“I came but you didn’t notice me. I didn’t want to disturb you unless necessary,” When Kili looked more appeased, he continued. “You haven’t been eating and resting properly.”

Kili shook his head. “I have no time for that.”

“There _is_ time for that. What good would it be if you’re sick when you’re being sacrificed to the gods?”

Kili tried to argue, but he realized that the man was right. Prayer wasn’t enough, his body was also part of the offering. He must also take care of himself no matter how he wished to spend all his time begging the gods. “I supposed you’re right,” He admitted reluctantly as he picked up the objects he had dropped. The man nodded but didn’t move until Kili lay down on the bed. Kili pulled up fur to cover himself up to his chest, feeling self-conscious under the stranger’s gaze. He turned his back toward the man in an attempt to escape. He watched dancing shadow on the wall cast by the lone candle until the fire was put out and Kili was cast in darkness. The door was opened then closed softly, leaving Kili alone in the room. He tried to stay awake to mull the mysterious visit, but his body demanded him rest. After minutes of fighting to sleepiness, he surrendered to Loni’s embrace and fell into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The man came to visit Kili regularly since then. While he didn’t speak much, he made sure that Kili ate and rested properly. Kili argued every time but always found himself obeying, if only so he’d be left alone to continue reading praises to the gods.

“Why are you trying so hard?” The man asked one day when he noticed that the plate of fruit from this morning was still almost full.

Kili frowned at him. “Do you have to ask?” He asked sharply. “Don’t you see what’s happening out there? How much people suffer?”

Kili glared at the man’s blank look. He should’ve known the moment he saw the man’s appearance that he wasn’t a commoner. He’s probably a member of one of the wealthy and powerful families in Erebor, those who had the privilege of living far from difficulties, those who had access to things others must work hard and beg for. Kili turned his face away in disgust.

“I know that times are trying. I don’t understand what you’re trying to achieve by torturing yourself like this,” The man said in a calm voice.

Gritting his teeth, Kili tried to answer as politely as possible. How daft could this man be? “I have to convince the gods to help us. This cannot go on.”

The guard was silent and Kili used the opportunity to continue reciting the prayers. He had just finished reading praises for Nali so that he’d bless them with good harvest to end the famine, when the man spoke up again.

“Some things are meant to happen. Not even the gods can stop them.”

“They _can_!” Kili insisted, “We just need to give them more offering and pray to them more. They’ll help us!” He scowled when the man shook his head. “If you don’t believe in their generosity and power then why are you here?” Kili sent the guard one last glare then returned to the fragile paper in front of him. He purposefully read the prayers loudly, hoping the man would understand and leave him alone. It took an inexplicably long time before he left, Kili’s throat hurt by the time the door closed behind him. Kili sighed and shook his head, clearing his mind off annoyance and focus on the task at hand.

* * *

If Kili expected peace since the argument, he would be sorely disappointed. The man came over and over again, dutifully ensuring Kili’s wellbeing. He didn’t speak more but Kili could feel him watching him closely as he chanted the prayers. Kili resolutely ignored him. He didn’t have time to waste for pointless argument.

“Your faith is admirable,” The guard said one day.

Kili jumped, having missed his entry. He glared at the man when he put a plate of fresh fruit and a pitcher full of water on the table. “Your disbelief is baffling,” He countered.

“I don’t doubt the gods,” The man explained. “But I understand that there are some things they cannot meddle with, no matter how human beg for their help and mercy.”

Kili stared at the man for a moment. He then turned his gaze back to the scripture in exasperation. “I don’t know why you’re assigned to me when you don’t belief in this ceremony,” He said with a huff. “And even if that’s true, we can’t not try.”

“You will not stop until you have the gods’ approval,” The man concluded. He sighed when Kili glared at him again. “I will stop disturbing you if you take care of yourself.”

“What?” Kili stared at the man in shock. Whatever the man’s duty was, this surely crossed some line. Ceertainly he wasn’t supposed to threaten his charge, especially when said charge was responsible for the future of Erebor!

However, a smirk put a halt to Kili’s anger. He flushed, realizing that he had only been teased. “That’s awful,” He muttered in complain.

Chuckling, the man replied, “No, it’s not very nice. However, I am serious. I don’t want you to fall ill.”

“I’m sure it will get you in trouble if I do,” Kili said, scoffing. He considered his option. It’s true that he felt quite lethargic lately, his exhaustion and hunger combined with lack of warmth in the room had affected his body. He couldn’t be sick when he was sacrificed to the gods. “All right. I agree,” Kili finally decided with great reluctance. His heart skipped a beat when the man smiled in satisfaction and he looked away in embarrassment.

“I will come back later to bring you dinner,” The man decided. He nodded to Kili and left the room, leaving Kili alone with his thoughts, hoping he wasn’t making a mistake.

* * *

It was unfortunately easy to enjoy oneself when one had a someone to assist him in everything. Kili tried his best to restrain himself when the man came with food or reminded him to rest. He thought of his family at home who no doubt was having less than half of what he currently had. He mustn’t forget the reason he was here.

“You’re spoiling me,” Kili complained when the guard woke him from a nap to bring him a plate of roasted lamb.

The man raised an eyebrow.  “By reminding you to eat and sleep? I beg to differ.”

Kili sighed heavily in annoyance, sitting up and taking the plate offered to him. He eyed the delicious meal, its aroma tempted him, making his stomach growl, but Kili couldn’t bring himself to start eating.

“What’s wrong?” The man asked, noticing Kili’s hesitance to eat.

“My family…” Kili said before stopping abruptly, not sure if he should reveal so much of himself to this stranger. Kili didn’t even know his name and while he had no great secret to hide, he didn’t want to let just anyone entered his private life.

However, the man wasn’t a stranger, was he? He had come to see Kili every day, ensuring that he was doing well. He made Kili upset and happy. And though Kili didn’t know for sure how, he was sure the man was protecting him somehow. That was more than anyone not his immediate relative had ever done to him. No, this man wasn’t just anyone, although Kili still hesitated to call him a friend.

“I wonder how my family is doing,” Kili said, glancing up to the guard in apprehension. When he saw nothing but polite curiosity, he continued. “Time has been harsh for everyone, especially the poor.”

The guard lowered his head in understanding. “Are they why you’re here?”

Kili nodded. “They’re part of the reasons. They’re not the only ones who suffer. In fact, there are those who are in worse condition than my family. I do this for everyone.”

The man nodded slowly, thoughtfully. Kili thought he was going to ask about Kili’s trust in the gods again, but he gave a reassuring smile to comfort Kili instead. “Tell me about your family.”

Kili took a deep breath. A wide smile spread on his face as he thought of his family. “My father is a hunter. I’ve never come with him but my brother has and my brother says father is a genius in tracking animals and his arrows never miss their marks. People said he is loved by Haugspori who never lets him return home empty-handed. My mother is a great cook and our neighbors often ask for her recipes. She could open a food stall-my father has offered to help her set it up-but she seems to prefer giving leftover food for free to those in need. Then there’s my brother,” Here Kili pauses to smile in reminiscence. “Fili is my best friend. We do nearly everything together since we’re little. Everyone calls us little menaces because of the troubles we cause. He worked at one of the mines before it was closed. Now he works for whoever needs his strength. He’s saving money. He wants to marry his lover, you see.” Kili bit back a bitter smile. Fili hadn’t been able to stop talking about his dream wedding to his beloved girl and Kili had looked forward to the event, to seeing his brother as a groom, to have a sister-in-law, but he wouldn’t be there to see any of that.

They lapsed into silence. Kili played with the roasted lamb, think of what else he would miss. He’d never go with his father on a hunting trip and help his mother set up a stall. He’d never be an uncle and a husband. He’d never make his parents proud with his occupation and choice of partner. He’d never experience romance and family life. But, he would have an opportunity to make everyone happy.

“Eat,” The man commanded, startling Kili. He stood up, his expression as closed as when Kili first saw him. Worry enveloped Kili. Had he offended the guard? “I’ll be back later.”

Kili wanted to stop the man when he walked out of the room, but his voice was caught in his throat. He watched helplessly as the door closed behind the guard. He bit his lip and looked at the plate in his lap. After taking a shuddery breath, he began eating. It didn’t taste as good as he thought.

* * *

“You never tell me about yourself,” Kili said carefully a couple of days later when the guard stopped him from reading the prayers to eat.

The man considered him quietly. “You’re not interested,” He finally said.

“That’s not true!” Kili denied. But the man’s knowing look deflated his spirit. He picked an apple from the plate brought to him to hide his embarrassment. “I think it won’t matter for much longer,” He admitted softly.

Few things felt as invasive as the man’s sharp gaze. It seemed as if the guard was reading Kili’s mind, discovering secrets he kept and uncovering things even Kili wasn’t aware of. No matter how Kili averted his gaze, he couldn’t escape. He felt trapped, a little scared despite being sure that this man would be the last person who’d hurt him.

With a thoughtful hum, the guard leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. “I work with several people to make sure that the region is doing as it should.”

“You’re not doing your job very well then,” Kili said without thinking. His face burnt when he realized what he just said. “I’m sorry! I…”

But the man held up his hand to stop him. “I suppose we’re not doing as well as you’d hope,” he conceded.

Still feeling guilty and awkward, Kili bit into his apple. The guard didn’t seem upset but there was a distant look on his face and Kili knew he had hurt him. “So you’re some kind of politician?” Kili asked timidly.

The guard tilted his head to the side. “I wouldn’t be here to force you to eat and sleep if I were, would I?” He asked, mischief glinting in his eyes.

Kili laughed in relief. “Maybe you’re a bored politician.” He grinned when the man chuckled in amusement. The man’s vague answer raised some questions in his mind, but then he remembered what the man had said before about his duty not being known to the public. Kili swallowed his curiosity. It’s not his place to ask and know about it. “And your family?”

“We’re nothing like your family. We mostly keep to ourselves and mind our own affairs.”

Something akin to loneliness flitted across the man’s face. Once again Kili felt guilty but this time there was curiosity nagging his mind. He studied the man’s expression carefully, trying to find any sign that the question he wanted to ask was offensive. He found nothing but calmness and gathered his courage to speak. “What about your wife and children? Or lover?”

It took the man a moment to answer. He looked down at the floor, his long dark hair hiding parts of his face. Kili wanted to push it away so he could see him.

“I don’t draw much sympathy from others.” Then, as if sensing Kili’s growing guilt, he straightened his back and looked at Kili with a small smile. “Although I have my duties to keep me company.”

An argument came to Kili’s mind but he silenced it. Who was he to convince the guard to seek a life companion? They had only known each other for a while, after all. Moreover, Kili had no right to argue when he, too, had forsaken the possibility of finding a lover for the chance to safe Erebor. He, too, had chosen duty over private life.

The guard left a short while later, leaving Kili alone with his thoughts. Try as he might, he couldn’t concentrate on the prayers that night.

* * *

The guard smiled as he held up a fat purple grape for Kili to eat. Kili laughed loudly, merrily. “What’s this? You’re feeding me by hand now?” He teased.

“If that’s what it takes to make you eat,” The man replied, still smiling.

Kili chuckled and took the offered fruit into his mouth and leaned back on the soft cushion behind him, relaxed and at peace. It wasn’t his room, he noted. There were large open windows around him showing an endless blue sky, with blue silk curtains waving gently in the wind. The ceiling was tall instead of claustrophobically low. The marble wall was covered by carvings of scenes from battles between gods against demons. While there were some potteries and statues for decoration as well as a collection of golden armors and beautiful weapons on one side, a beautiful collection surpassing what Kili once saw when he was serving a lord. The bed Kili was laying on was large and soft with many plush cushions. Kili raised his arms above his head and stretched his body, feeling relaxed and at peace for the first time since what seemed to be forever.

“This is wonderful,” He sighed happily.

The man came into view, leaning above him to offer another grape which Kili accepted without hesitation. “Isn’t it?” He murmured. “Would you like to stay?”

Kili ought to feel annoyed that they came to this argument again, but he was too content to summon irritation. “You know I can’t.” He smiled when he saw the man’s disappointment and reached for his hand. He brought the larger hand to his chest, right above his steadily beating heart. “I’m sorry,” He apologized, staring into clear blue eyes.

Kili woke up with a sharp gasp. He blinked rapidly as he was greeted by darkness instead on the wonderful view of blue summer sky. His hand sought another’s but found only cold air and sheet. A name sat at the tip of his tongue, begging to be called, but he couldn’t say it. Frustrated and confused, he tossed and turned in his bed until Loni had mercy on him and gifted him with sleep.

* * *

Something was happening. Something had changed. Kili grew restless, anxious due to something he didn’t know, that word (name?) teased him just outside of his reach. He forced himself to focus only on the old scripts which he had partially memorized. Whenever the guard came to bring him food, Kili chatted with him for a moment and pretended to eat but stopped the moment he was left in his room. Unfortunately he could only pretend for so long.

“You’ve been neglecting yourself again,” The man said, narrowing his eyes at Kili.

Kili looked away. Again, his tongue longed to say something, but he couldn’t voice it. “I can’t keep being distracted. I don’t have much time left.” Kili glanced at the man when he didn’t reply. His heart sank when he saw his frown but he refused to let himself be swayed. Kili cleared his throat, the sound seemed unnaturally loud in the silence. “Do you know what happened to the last person who was here? Do you know what went wrong?” He asked.

“She did nothing wrong,” The guard answered quietly.

Kili frowned. “There must be something-something I shouldn’t repeat,” He insisted.

However, the man shook his head. “She did what she should.” He paused, thinking. “She wasn’t as dedicated as you are but that didn’t mean anything. You are more dedicated than anyone who had been in this room.”

Although doubtful, Kili didn’t argue. “Can you tell me something that could help me make this ritual work?” He pleaded.

The guard shook his head again. “You have done what could be done. But tell me this,” the man sat down next to Kili, looking deep into his eyes. Kili’s heart thundered in his chest but he held his gaze. “You do know you’re going to die, don’t you?”

“Of course!” Kili said, taken aback by the question. “I’m not stupid.”

“And you don’t mind?”

“Why should I mind? It’s an honor to be chosen to help Erebor!”

The man frowned at him. “Don’t you have any dream you want to realize?”

Kili swallowed, thinking of his plans in the past. Indeed he had his dreams. He wanted to open a store and be successful, to make his parents proud and buy them everything they asked for, to travel extensively with Fili, to fall in love, to grow old with the person he loved… He shook his head almost violently. “My dreams don’t matter. Not when everyone is suffering and in need of help from the gods.”

“They matter. Dreams are what push one to the future,” The guard said.

“My dream and future now are to buy the gods’ kindness,” Kili countered. He pursed his lips and returned to his table. “I need to continue.”

For a moment the guard didn’t move, watching Kili closely as he turned the yellowing pages of the scriptures. Kili’s hand trembled under the stare and something in him yearned to ask for the guard to stay and accompany him. But he couldn’t afford distraction. He must focus on the task at hand. Kili shut his eyes tightly when the man left, his heart cracking a little inside.

* * *

Kili knew something wasn’t right when the guard came to his room with empty hands. He stood still by the door, eyeing Kili with an unreadable expression on his face.

“What is it?” Kili asked, fidgeting in discomfort.

The man took a long time to respond. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before answering Kili. “Enemies are coming,” He said, quiet but firm.

Kili inhaled sharply. “Who? Are we preparing for battle?” Kili asked urgently, thinking of his father and brother at home. They would definitely be drafted to defend Erebor, being strong and able males. For a moment Kili regretted being locked here, unable to help his city, but then he remembered his duty. “Should we perform the sacrifice early? Perhaps that way we can get the protection from…”

But the guard shook his head. “No. It will be done according to plan. The enemy, Smaug’s army from the North, will not arrive before the next moon cycle starts.”

Kili paced around the room nervously. He knew prayers to call upon protection and strength but he felt helpless, useless. He was young and strong, though lacking in combat skill. He could be preparing the city’s defenses for the attack, practicing his battle skills, fighting beside his father and brother, instead he was locked here, unable to do anything but anxiously waiting for the day of the ceremony and hoping his pleas were heard by the gods.

Doubt entered Kili’s mind. What if the guard was right? What if the gods refused to do anything for them for reasons unknown? What if this was all for nothing? Kili tried to banish the thought but it lingered, haunting him with the prospect of failing to do anything for his family, friends, and city. Kili sat down heavily on the bed, shaking his head ruefully.

The bed dipped slightly when the guard sat down next to Kili. “Do you want to leave this place?” He asked, “You could. They may only sacrifice those who willingly give up their lives for the gods.”

“I don’t know,” Kili answered in a broken voice, looking down at his lap. “Will I be more help if I stay or if I leave?” He took a deep breath, crunching his eyes closed to hold back tears of frustration. “I’m jealous of you.”

“Why?” The guard sounded perplexed.

Kili forced himself to smile. He turned to face the man, running his eyes over the beautiful armor he was wearing. “You can do something _real_ to protect Erebor. You can be out there, defending the people, fighting with your friends and family. I only have my prayers and hopes, and not for much longer.”

The man frowned, looking distraught by Kili’s words. “You can leave this room. You can fight the enemy if you want. You can realize your dreams.”

“But I can’t-”

“You can,” The man interrupted, leaning closer to Kili. “Say the word and I will help you out. Say the word and I will make your dreams come true.”

Suddenly Kili realized how close they were. The guard’s hand was warm and heavy on his knee, his breath caressing Kili’s face, his ice blue eyes looking deep into Kili’s mind, his voice reaching deep into Kili’s heart where Kili echoed back with the name he still couldn’t say. Kili’s gaze lazily drifted down to the man’s lips. He ached with longing, he felt empty, lonely, incomplete, and the guard was too far away. He wanted to run his fingers through the dark hair, explore pale skin with his hands and mouth, to mark and please, to claim and be claimed. His eyes flickered up to the man’s eyes and saw heat there, something raw yet sweet, something dangerous but gentle, something powerful and perfect. The guard leaned closer, tilting his head to the side, his breath teasing Kili’s painfully sensitive skin. Kili’s eyes slowly closed as he was lost in the anticipation, his hands clutching the sheet beneath him. He wanted to lie back on the bed, present himself for the man’s eyes and hands and everything he would give, to learn what pleased the man, to be filled and loved and…

With a gasp, Kili jerked back, his eyes wide in terror. The man immediately pulled back, looking apprehensive, but Kili didn’t pay much attention to that. He stood up and put as much distance as he could between them. He wasn’t supposed to. The gods demanded untouched sacrifices, those who knew little, if at all, of the pleasures of the flesh brought by another. Kili clenched his hands into fists and faced away from the guard. “Go,” He ordered, his voice shaking terribly. “Don’t come here anymore.”

“Kili.”

It was the first time the guard had called his name. Kili had to close his eyes to fight the strange emotion the call invoked. He could feel his craving grew, slowly ruining his resolve. “Go!”

In his mind Kili could see the guard lingering, looking at him with an expression of both regret and exasperation. Kili bit his lip when he heard the soft rustling of the man standing up. The muffled sound of his slow footstep reached Kili’s ears, followed by the sound of the door opening then closing. Kili bit his lip and clutched his arms. What had he done?

* * *

Kili’s memory insisted on replaying every visit, every exchange he’d had with the guard. The ghost felt very real sometimes and often Kili found himself looking at the door, expecting it to open to reveal the familiar face. It never opened. It was quiet and lonely in the room, Kili almost immediately realized before guilt assaulted him. He should be happy that temptation and distraction had been removed. He should be pleased that he could now focus of his task. Kili forced himself to think of the enemy, the failed harvest, the closed mines, the dried wells, the illnesses, and his family out there facing it courageously. The sacrifice must succeed.

In his final days Kili doubled his efforts, almost completely foregoing food and rest to make up for his near-mistake. The guard’s warning for him to take care of himself came to him every so often, but he was determined not to listen to it. He had only a few days left, after all. A little physical weakness wouldn’t change anything.

At least he hoped it wouldn’t. He couldn’t afford to make more potential mistakes.

It was night. Kili slept restless with fur wrapped tight around him. He dreamt of Erebor on fire, people running in fear, river of blood flooding. He dreamt of his family house abandoned. He dreamt of running and frantically calling for his parents and Fili only to hear distant screams in return. He dreamt of failure, what could happen if his prayers weren’t heard.

The darkness lifted suddenly. Kili woke up in confusion, eyes immediately finding the unexpected source of light: a candle held by the guard. And with just that, with just a sight, Kili’s desire to reach out strengthened, the hollow in his chest throbbed. But, he pulled the fur closer to him and he eyed the man in irritation.

“I've told you not to come,” Kili said, somehow managing to keep his voice from wavering.

The man’s expression tightened imperceptibly. “They will come for you tomorrow,” His said, his rich voice making Kili tremble. “The temple is set. In the morning servants will come to bathe you and dress you. They will then lead you to the temple, to the altar.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think I need to tell you what will happen afterward.”

So it’s tomorrow? Kili had completely lost track of time. He knew he didn’t have much longer but it still took him by surprise that he was hours away from his death. He swallowed as he forcefully buried his dreams and regrets. He didn’t need those to burden him when he was sacrificed to the gods.

“And the enemies?” Kili asked, his voice calm. “Are they still far away?”

The guard nodded hesitantly. “Far enough.”

“Then there’s still a chance,” Kili said. He shook his head when the man opened his mouth, no doubt to argue. “No. Don’t try to change my mind. It’s too late now.” He smiled when the man fell quiet. Under the fur, his hands clenched into fists, the pain distracting him from his yearning. “Thank you for everything. You have been so kind to me, taking care of me and accompanying me. We’ve had our arguments but I do value your companionship.” _I wish we have more time_ , Kili wanted to say but didn’t. He lowered his eyes, his chest tightening.

“And I value yours, more than you know,” The man whispered. “I will do what I can to help and protect your family. You have my words.”

Kili nodded weakly. “Thank you.”

The man lingered, silent. He made no move to approach Kili but his gaze carried weighty words and emotions. The candle flickered when he sighed heavily. He began to turn away. Kili forced himself to stay still.

“Goodbye, Kili,” He said just before the candle died and the door closed.

“Goodbye,” Kili whispered to the dark. He remembered then that he still didn’t know the man’s name. Perhaps it would make things easier, not knowing what he missed, but he knew this wasn’t true. Kili curled up, tears running down his cheeks, and waited for the morning to come.

* * *

The servants did come with soft knocks on the door. They came in silently, looking at Kili with happy smiles. “It’s time,” One of them said.

Kili nodded numbly and got up from bed. He recited praises in his head as he was bathed by gentle hands and then dressed in simple white robe. His hair was brushed and braided to make it easier to push it aside to make way for the blade. He took a deep breath, thinking of the peace and prosperity he could bring Erebor, and followed the servants out of the room for the first time in a month.

The sunlight nearly blinded him. He looked at the sky, having forgotten how blue it really was and how warm sunlight was. He could hear people’s cheer in the distance and slowly smiled. He followed the servants and guards to the temple quietly. As they came closer to the temple, Kili could see people who had gathered for him. They cheered happily when they saw him and threw flowers to him when he walked past, for a moment forgetting the difficulties they were facing. Pride bloomed in Kili’s chest. He looked for his parents and brother in the crowd, wanting to share the moment with them, but sadly couldn’t find them. Never mind. He knew they’re there. They wouldn’t miss the moment Kili gave his life for the future of their beloved city.

Kili climbed the stone steps, relishing the energy of the loud crowd. When he reached the top, a platform where the altar stood, he smiled at the waiting priest. He stood still as the priest read prayers he had known by heart now and when it ended, he knelt on the stone floor and bowed his back. His braided hair fell to the side, exposing his neck.

His eyes closed, Kili prayed to the gods. Might Durin, king of the gods, bless them with strength and shower them with kindness. Might rivers run with gold and silver from Andvari’s vaults. Might Nali make crops grow healthy to fill granaries and stop the sad cries of hunger. Might Motsognir aid their trades and help them avoid deceits. Might Hannar grant them wisdom to solve any problem which came their way. Might Erebor be safe and the gods stand by their side as they battled for their rights with the courage and fortitude of…

As if Frar himself whispered to his ear, everything cleared up suddenly. Kili opened his eyes abruptly and at once caught sight of a familiar face in the crowd. The name which had so long lingered at the edges of his thoughts finally came to him.

Thorin, the god of war.

He smiled at the smiling deity as peace enveloped him. He briefly wondered if Nar had come to collect him but his attention was focused solely on Thorin. The cold sword touched the back of his neck then disappeared. Kili mouthed the words he longed to say to Thorin.

_I love_

* * *

Soft breeze caressed Kili’s skin, making him smile in his sleep. Soft beautiful tune drifted through marble halls to reach him, lulling him further. The bed and pillows were soft, comforting his aching body. But, above all else, what made Kili most content was the hand stroking his hair. _Thorin_ , he knew without looking.

The memory of the cheering crowd before the temple, the priest’s sword, and the brief touch of cold metal on the back of his neck flooded Kili all at once. He woke up, heart racing in his chest as he pushed himself up to sit. He looked around him and was confused when he saw that he was in the room he had dreamt of a couple of weeks ago. What’s going on?

“It’s all right.”

Kili looked to his side where Thorin was smiling to him gently. The god of war had taken off his armor, leaving him in dark blue outfit which didn’t take away his strength and authority. He caressed Kili’s arm to comfort him, bringing Kili’s attention to the fact that he was naked. Blushing, he pulled the sheet to cover himself, making Thorin laugh.

“What happened? Wasn’t I sacrificed?” Kili asked timidly.

Thorin nodded. “You were.”

“Did it work?” Kili asked, his eyes widening. “How is Erebor? Is everyone all right?”

Kili’s heart lurched in his chest when Thorin shook his head. “Smaug will take over Erebor in a few weeks. There will be a brief battle where most people are driven out of the city and not before that happens will the region prosper.”

“So I have failed,” Kili said dejectedly.

Thorin squeezed Kili’s arm lightly. “It is as it should be. Erebor has become greedy, taking more than its share and forgetting its place in the world. Pride has corrupted its people, especially the privileged and those in power. No sacrifice, no matter how pure and sincere could help it,” Thorin explained. “However, one day, although not soon, it will be reclaimed and brought to prosperity again by your kin.”

“My kin?” Kili repeated in surprise.

Thorin nodded, smiling. “I’ve promised to help and protect your family, haven’t I? They will survive the battle and continue your line. One day one of your brother’s descendants will lead your people back to Erebor to reclaim their home.”

Kili looked down to his lap. He deeply regretted not being able to save Erebor but this matter seemed to have been decided by the gods. However, he took comfort in the promise that in the future the people of Erebor, including his family, will retake their home and live happily. Kili turned to Thorin, smiling slightly. “Why didn’t you tell me who you are?”

“Would you have believed it?” Thorin asked. “I wasn’t supposed to see you but I couldn’t ignore you. Your plight was heard by the gods and to think that it is I who will be the one to destroy your hopes…”

Kili shook his head, stopping Thorin. “You’ve warned me that this is supposed to happen and I know you’ll never let such things to happen for no reason.”

Thorin looked at Kili in awe. “Not many think that way,” He said quietly. His hand slid down to Kili’s hand, caressing it for a moment before Thorin withdrew his hand. “I can’t let Nar take you to his realm,” He confessed. “But it doesn’t mean that you have to stay with me. The gods welcome you to live here with us.”

Kili looked at Thorin’s balled hands. “May I make a request?” He asked.

“Of course.”

Kili reached out to cover Thorin’s hand with his. “I wish to stay by your side for as long as you want me to.”

Thorin stared at Kili in disbelieve before breaking into a smile. He turned his hand and linked their fingers. “You’ll stay with me forever then.”

The sun warmed Kili, but not as warm as the way Thorin’s gaze and unyielding hand made him feel inside. He’d never have what he dreamt of and asked for, but he would have better than he could imagine. Kili tightened his grip on Thorin’s hand. Forever was such a beautiful word.

**Author's Note:**

> Names of the gods taken from Dvergatal. I base them on the meaning of the names. Shout out to Lofar whom I've decided to be the god of music but isn't mentioned here.


End file.
